If Nothing Else

I think that in some ways, my last post is the ultimate lie yet the only truth to live by. I hope you understand the reason behind the things I did since we’ve been apart, since we were no longer together. More than anything I hope you never read this.

In accepting that you will never come back is to break the ties that bind us. So once again I hope you are well. I hope that if there is any day that you need help that you would reach out and ask because in all our tumultuous times together, I have always carried a willingness to help. No questions asked. No expectations. And deny it all you may, but denial changes little if anything at all.

I hope that you somehow manage to release all that anger the world has caused you. Because at the end of the day, the world will always be right. It was here first, after all.

This blog was meant for me to move on. To stop is to give up.

I don’t give up.

Why, after all this, do I not have ill feelings towards the only ex who was ever everything?

“A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

The Last Time

This is the last time I’m going to write in this journal. At least as far as I can predict.

I started this journal because I wanted to start a new life. I wanted to work on myself and give myself a new future. A different one. I wanted a fresh start. And I got one. Really, I think I got one. Sure there’s no girl in it yet. And there’s no job for me anymore. But I’m doing well. I’m doing surprisingly well.

The biggest reason this journal was started was so I could change. I didn’t like the person I was anymore. I was the kind of person that didn’t deserve the person I had. So she let me go. I don’t want to say that I deserve anything now, but I’ve changed. And I’m happy about it. Moreso than that, I don’t want her anymore. Is that amazing? Because while I’ve changed, so has she. She’s not the same person I fell in love with.

She’s not it for me anymore.

And I’m breaking past this point of me into this whole realm of possibility. There’s going to be someone out there who’s going to see how far I’ve come and love me for it. Sure I may not always have my good days. There are plenty of bad things going on with my life right now. I have no money to go to school anymore. I don’t have a job. But it’s taken me this long to see what I do have. Potential. Everyone has potential and I can’t believe I was blind to believe I didn’t have it too.

I can’t let people treat me like crap anymore. I don’t owe anyone anything. No one owes me anything. I don’t expect it because that’s the way the world goes. I don’t deserve to be ignored after driving out half an hour to visit someone. I deserve a hello and I deserve a goodbye because I’m a person. And I’ve realized that I can’t continue working so hard to care for someone who could care less if I died.

So this is me. This is me out the door because I’m done.

And if you ever read this (and you know who you are), I’m always going to be there for you, just like I’ve always said. I was wrong. You weren’t it for me. But when you’re it for someone else, I’m sure they’ll be it for you too. So be well. Let me know when you need a friend because I’m getting pretty good at being one. Like I say everytime I leave you, I’m always here. I always will be if you need me.

Goodbye.

California, here we are!

The ride here wasn’t too bad if not just a wee bit long. Nonetheless, it was pretty cool. Brooks drove from Houston (stopped off at the Bucee’s in Luling) to podunk, Texas and Daniel drove from there to El Paso. I drove from El Paso to Tucson then Brooks from Tucson to Yuma and Daniel to here. We got this terrific hotel room thanks to Brooks at a Courtyard Marriott. It’s real swank. I have pictures and everything I plan on uploading at some point in time.

We also went to Benihana’s courtesy of Brooks again. It was a lot of fun. I got two glasses of whiskey in my stomach at this point and I’m ready for bed. Tomorrow, we’re going to La Jolla and Mission Beach before heading off to Los Angeles. There, we plan on going to Huntington and Venice Beach plus some sight seeing. Then we’re driving up to San Jose to meet Chelsea where we’re going to party hardy at Crib in San Francisco. It’s going to be a blast.

I’m loving this road trip already. It’s very therapeutic.

Now another thing. I did something stupid. I texted someone inappropriately. I feel like I’ve pissed them off or made them… awkward with me?

Lately I’ve been having this whole… thing with this particular person and I can’t get it out of my mind. And I want to say something, but I’m afraid because I don’t know how she feels about the situation. I don’t know how she would feel about moving forward, or if we could move forward. I just… I don’t know. I think that it’ll be really hard considering we’re two different people. But for some reason I want it. I want that. I want to be with her… a lot even if she doesn’t want to be with me… like at all lol.

I better head to bed. Brooks is already knocked out from his Jim Beam. Daniel had some vodka. I have my SoCo. We’re all blitzed and ready for bed. I’ll update more later. Oh and I have to do my homework for school lol.

Some Things.

Some things are in the past.
Some things you can’t take back.
Some things you think will last,
In the end won’t mean jack.

Like my little rhyme-fest? lol Anyways, I should be at work, but I’m being lazy and telling my boss I can’t come in until later. Why? Because I’m made of awesome and I can do that. Besides. It’s not like I’m not going to be there for an entire nine hours anyway.

My plans tonight are to hang out with my breakup buddy (aka BUB), Claire. We’re going to have fun and possibly, at least my plan is, to get drunk and someone’s going to get taken advantage of. I’ll leave that up to you guys as to whether or not I’m kidding. Christmas is almost here and my friends and family are hardly prepared for this big Christmas bash. Half the people my sister and I have invited aren’t even sure if they want to show up, as evidenced in our facebook event.

And my life is very carefree right now. I’ve done without awkward despite the surmountable amount of sweaty boys trying to get me to have sex with them. I think life’s okay but I’m not going to say I know because that’s when it’s going to blow up in my face. The shoe’s not going to drop this time. I’m composed. Contained. And happy with my life. No attachments. No relationships or strings. I’m done with awkward. I’m done with complicated. I’m done with drama and I will drop you like a hat if you try anything. You know who y’all are. If you value my friendship, you’ll call back when you say you will. You’ll listen when I’m being a stupid bitch because I listen when you’re being a motherfucking stupid asshole. Don’t be a dirtbag and run. I’m there for you when things get complicated. And I’d like to say I expect nothing in return but I do. I expect the same.

Aside from that! lol I got tipped fifty bucks the other day for being an awesome person. My job doesn’t allow me to get tips and I tried to give it back to the guy but he ran away from me! :[ He was like ‘Oh well say I left it on accident and you couldn’t find me’ and made a run for it. It was pretty awesome though because up until then my day was turning out horrible. Completely horrible. Then I found a dollar bill behind my backpack after that! Fifty one dollars! For going about my regular business lol. It was pretty awesome.

Oh and yesterday was payday too so how about them apples? I’m thinking about buying presents for my sister, my cousin, and my mom, but I can’t think of anything. I had to return the MP3 player I was going to get Annie because her father already bought her one. That lame. I think my sister and I are agreeing not to get one another presents but I still might get her something small. My mom says she doesn’t want anything, but that’s a lie so I’ll still keep a look out for something nice for her. And my cousin… well she’s been dumb lately so I haven’t really asked her what else she wants.

That’s all for the new life though people. Y’all have a great Christmas!

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You Pointed Your Blade at my Pride

Went out last night with a friend of mine to RA Sushi. It’s a pretty cool place with pretty really good drinks and pretty pretty girls lol. It was all guys except me. We were out until late and ended up going to IHOP. I guess it was an eye opening experience. There’s more to life than having girls. One of them being chasing girls. Isn’t that half the fun? Well I had fun last night. Thanks, David. We should do it again.

Christmas is coming closer and closer and I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t really want it to be here because it means I have so much to do, but I want Christmas over with and fast because there’s so much to do. I want it to be done.

I dunno. I’m at a very complacent and dissatisfied juncture in my life. All I want is for someone to make it better. If only for a little while. I guess I’ll never tell anyone that because it’s just what I do. I stupidly wait for someone to do the right thing that can make everything better instead of just saying it. Because it’s not worth anything if it has to be said.

And now I’m just waiting.

The Feel Good Drag

What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What does anything that I’m doing have to do with me? I don’t know.

I. Don’t. Know.

I’m just helping. I’m just there. I promised a long time ago that I’d always be there. That she’d always be comfortable. That she’d have a good life. I remember this. I remember promising her one night when I put a pillow under her head and kissed her forehead. I’m going to do this. I don’t care what people say and I’m beginning to not care what it does to me.

I just don’t know if she even wants my help. Or even sees my help. I just don’t know. I have no clue.

I am tired of who I am.
You were my greatest mistake.
I fell in love with your sin.
Your littlest sin.

This was over before.
Before it ever began.
Your lips.
Your lies.
Your lust.
Like the devil’s in your hands.

I’ve Ruined Christmas!

So believe it. This story is going to be way out there but I assure you. It’s true. Last night I started getting a lot of phone calls from numbers I’ve never seen before. Anytime I picked up, they would ask for Toys for Tots either offering or wanting to take donations. This carried on non-stop through midnight. Of course, I told them, this is my personal cell phone number, not Toys for Tots. I had mixed reactions. Ranging anywhere from shock and sympathy to anger. I had a gentleman ask me why I would play such a cruel joke. Like I did it or something and that I ruined Christmas for his three children, one of which with Down’s Syndrome.

Furthermore, soemthing else that makes me mad. I asked a few of them where they saw this and they said the number was broadcasted on Fox 26. I call Fox, livid and the rude lady, went pissy on me. I call again and this guy says he’ll look into it. Meanwhile I’m getting phone calls out the face. The first one came at 6:46 a.m. You can imagine I’m ticked. So the rude lady, the one I called first, said that the broadcast was correct and there was no typo and that people must have misread the numbering. Um. How could they? I mean I understand one or two. But thirty? Forty?

Fuck Fox 26.

We were better

I’ve been MIA for a little while. Spent a good chunk of my time at work, catching up with my family (can you believe I have a family now?), and doing a lot of stuff I told myself I’d do. I think I’m still waiting for something to live for. Something that can make me feel alive the way I used to be alive. Until then, I want to try and enjoy myself. Best I can.

I went to a Dir En Grey concert. And it was amazing. I wasn’t front row center, but I was about five or six back. I did get hit on by a guy. Not fun. He was touching and hugging inappropriately with something fierce. I just wanted to watch Kyo dance shirtless. Can we just let me do that please? They played for two hours. Two amazing hours.

Two days after that, I went to Thanksgiving at Ike and Lucky’s and I ate dinner with people who are like my extended family. We had turkey and I made mashed potatoes with gravy. There was fried rice and bok choy and all these other Chinese dishes mixed in lol. We drank soy milk and wine. Then after that I went up to Lucky’s room and slept on her bed with her cousin lol. Well because I had to be in at work at two in the morning.

I napped for a little while and eventually went to work on Black Friday. It was all good fun I think. I really enjoy Black Friday. We get free food and there’s always something to do. I picked up an XBox 360 and some video games. The XBox crapped out real fast. In fact I’m taking it in for an exchange today lol.

Well I was just thinking. About her. About me. And I think about her a lot less now, but I’m still worried. Still wanting her to be okay. There are some times I think that things aren’t quite okay, but then other times I feel like she’s okay again. I don’t know. The only thing I’m trying to believe now is that she’s better off without me. I’m always going to be there for her, no doubt. But we’re better apart than we ever were together. Because she’s happy. Because 他比從前快樂. She was happier than she was in the past.

That’s all I can ask for.

I’ve been trying to reach her friend Angel so I could get her phone number again though. I don’t want to bother her but I found some disturbing news about an investigation on me at work. I just… I hope it doesn’t involve her is all. Well not all. Amongst other things because I’m trying to clear my name… but I get the feeling that Angel’s purposely ignoring me. I’ve called about three times and left messages over the past two or three weeks with no avail.

Well. C’est tout. Work soon. Work work work.

And

To top off a perfectly awful day, I’ve lost my overly expensive but favorite glasses at the library today. So let’s see, in the past 24 hours, I’ve lost:

My ability to cope
My wallet
My glasses
My vision
My shorts
A whole lot of other articles of clothing

And my happiness.

Man fuck this.