This is the last time I’m going to write in this journal. At least as far as I can predict.
I started this journal because I wanted to start a new life. I wanted to work on myself and give myself a new future. A different one. I wanted a fresh start. And I got one. [...]
The Last Time
The Feel Good Drag
What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What does anything that I’m doing have to do with me? I don’t know.
I. Don’t. Know.
I’m just helping. I’m just there. I promised a long time ago that I’d always be there. That she’d always be comfortable. That she’d have a good life. I remember this. [...]
We were better
I’ve been MIA for a little while. Spent a good chunk of my time at work, catching up with my family (can you believe I have a family now?), and doing a lot of stuff I told myself I’d do. I think I’m still waiting for something to live for. Something that can make me [...]
First Day In The Real World
I’ve been in bed far too long. I was in bed for 22 hours. I ate a small bowl of cereal and some apple juice before I started feeling queasy. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for her every day. I don’t know why I’m acting so violently now that she’s gone. But I hope [...]
The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
I choke on the words I’ll never to say to you.
I suffocate from the things I’ll never hear.
And I dreamt of a life so perfect together.
But I was asleep for two and a half years.
I guess this is what I asked for. To be a backup. I knew it’d feel like crap. Every time I [...]
What I Think
I did what you asked. And more. I went back further even though it hurts. It makes me laugh at how stupid I was. It makes me cringe. It makes my stomach turn. But I need to face my sins if I can, in any miniscule way, find absolution. I see all this. Now. And [...]
I Fear.
Fear is the mindkiller.
Next week is a freeze out and whether or not it may freeze me, is irrelevant because I am a responsible adult now. I’m grown. I know and prioritize and to me, her happiness is most important. Important to her. Important to me. So it has to happen. It makes me hate [...]
Cigarettes on Ice
You’re the cigarette I smoke too close to the filter.
Eventually. Eventually. Soon. I feel it’ll all be over. I feel like drifting. I feel the ice crawling over me and the mountain air thinning me. Soon. It’ll all be over. :]
Safety Net
Lately I’ve been doing something that… may not be quite right in most people’s standards, but it’s been something I’ve let my self rely on (for once) when I haven’t really relied on anything this past year. I haven’t been able to or I haven’t wanted to. I don’t know. It’s just a week ago, [...]
Saturday As Usual
I really thought that I was going to break this morning. I really thought that it was going to effect me, everything that’s happened the scope of this weekend, I mean, but I don’t feel much change at all.
I expected that after meeting up with the boys over at Brasil that I’d be more excited [...]
